I was raised on classic Disney movies. Cinderella, Snow White, Lady and the Tramp and Sleeping Beauty etched my view of the world. Like all good fairy tales, they had a common plot; wayward and troubled girl finally meets a handsome prince and they live happily ever after. My reality, of course, was vastly different. My parents were divorced and did not speak. Addiction ran rampant. There was confusion, violence, and chaos. In my child mind, though, I was that wayward and troubled girl and therefore all I needed to do was find my prince and all would be well.

Let’s face it, we do not get very realistic messages regarding love and intimacy. Very likely because we are being taught by people who are just as perplexed and wounded by the concept. After wallowing in fantasy for many years, seeking that person to finally complete me, I realized I must be the hero of my own story.  I’ve done some serious professional and personal study in the field of relationships and what I have discovered is when we let go of the myths, true love and intimacy are better than any Disney movie.

Top 10 relationship myths:

1)    You complete me- Often we grow up missing a piece of ourselves and then we seek another person to fill it. The truth is no person or external thing can ever heal an inner emptiness. Our soulmates are there to help us find and embrace our whole selves.

2)    Communication is easy if you find the right person- Nope. It is a myth to think if we find the right person, they will read our mind, know what we want and communication is a breeze.  In truth, good communication requires learned tools like assertion, listening and accountability.

3)    Relationships bring safety- Good relationships can offer us a soft place to fall, but they equally force us into deep vulnerability, fear and uncertainty because they ask us to trust, show up authentically and share our inner world.

4)    Love solves everything- No it actually doesn’t. Love is a verb, not a noun and takes real world skills like maturity, honesty, accountability and worthiness to have a healthy relationship.

5)    Having a child strengthens the relationship- Having a child is like a bomb going off in your relationship. It shakes us to the core, extenuating all our flaws and reaction patterns. It can bring a couple closer but only after you do the hard inner work required.  ( See steps  1-10.)

6)    “If he changed, I’d be fine”, or “If I changed we’d be fine”- Projecting on another or yourself through blame denies accountability. In truth it takes TWO people looking at themselves to change a relationship. Always.

7)    Good couples don’t fight- Actually, successful couples argue. It is not IF a couple argues but HOW they argue that is important. Done well, conscious conflict is actually an extremely important tool for the growth and evolution of a relationship. (More on that here.)

8)    Love is unconditional- In reality, healthy love has boundaries and conditions. We may have unconditional love for the person but not the behavior. Enabling is not love. Additionally, loving ourselves means we have a low tolerance for mistreatment of any kind.

9)    Good relationships are meant to last forever- Just as we grow and change as individuals relationships grow and change as well. Sometimes even the best relationships reach a place of evolution where growing separately is healthier than growing together.

10)    Good relationships don’t need help- Not true. The very best thing you can do for your relationship is get help and get help early. Learn how to communicate effectively, be assertive, be  open and willing to work on any lingering unhealthy patterns you might be bring to the relationship before you start having trouble.

*For more on that listen to the Relationship Series on the Holistic Health Hour Podcast