No doubt, many of us grow up with misinformation and misconceptions about love.  After all, we are taught how to love by how we are loved. This is often erroneous because we are taught how to love by those who haven’t quite figured it out themselves. Even the most well-meaning and self-adjusted parents don’t have it right all of the time, and if we throw shame, judgment, abandonment, betrayal and/or trauma in the mix, love becomes more about survival than thriving; creating a well of emptiness deep inside us.

Confusing matters further are the many cultural messages we get about romantic love and media messages that portray love as a fairy tale. Again, the focus of success is external acceptance rather than internal worthiness, affirmation and trust. Hence, filling that feeling of inner lack becomes our primary drive and is confused with love; creating behaviors, perceptions and expectations that strive to fill it any way possible. We start looking for our happily ever after, our soul mate, our other half, the person who will finally “complete us”.  

Venturing out into the world half empty and seeking wholeness isn’t love; it is lack. We begin to edit ourselves, habitually seeking definition, acceptance and validation from outside of us, becoming radical shape shifters, martyrs and caretakers, hustling for connection. We may attach to relationships and people in unhealthy ways, looking for the one to finally fix us, getting lost in fantasy and ignoring our intuition; replacing it with logic. We may swing to the other side of the pendulum, barricading and protecting ourselves by refusing to rely on others and avoiding the risk of vulnerability associated with asking for help or being open to receive. We may do a mixture of all of these things in order to fill, avoid or protect the emptiness we feel. Of course, none of these tactics actually work because they all depend on something outside of us to fill a hole that can only be filled from the inside out. The only way to feel whole is to fill that inner hollowness ourselves, rather than expecting anyone to do it for us. The only way to really love is to learn how to love ourselves first, and the good news is… we can. It is never too late to learn to love yourself.

Loving yourself is one of those simple yet, not easy concepts that may be challenging, but is entirely worth it.

• Loving yourself means embracing self-acceptance rather than self- judgement, criticism and blame. This doesn’t mean we bypass our shadow parts or deny their existence; it just means we do not attempt to shame those parts to change them.
• Loving ourselves means we identify, challenge and shift old mindsets and beliefs that often show up as the inner-critic voice. A good rule of thumb- if we wouldn’t say it to someone we love, it is not loving to say it to ourselves.
• Loving ourselves means we honor our feelings as holding immense wisdom and allow ourselves to truly feel without trying to deny, numb or ignore their existence.
• Loving ourselves means setting boundaries that come from authenticity and not past wounding. We learn to say “no” and “yes” and mean it because our opinion matters.
• Loving ourselves means we assert our worthiness by identifying, honoring and living from our needs, wants and desires.
• Loving ourselves means we allow ourselves to have fun, be creative and inspired and carve out space for joy in our lives.
• Loving ourselves means we align with our intuition, and honor the wisdom it holds.
• Loving ourselves means we hold ourselves accountable for our actions, making sure we are living with integrity, honesty and truth.

Love is not a destination; it is a journey. It is not a noun, but a verb. Love is not about living happily ever after; it is about living with authenticity. The truth is, love is messy, fierce, soft, amazing, heartbreaking, tough, beautiful and exquisite.  Most of all, real love is real. The only way to ever have it is to start really loving you.